Friendships are like buying shoes. You better make sure that you love them before you make your purchase. I have this problem of always seeing a really great pair of shoes and buying them on impulse. If only I was impulsive with making decisions as I was buying shoes I think I’d be a little bit happier. I don’t just do this with shoes, I do this with other items of clothing. Jackets, button ups, t-shirts you name it. Except for jeans and pants. Jeans and pants are the bane of my existence. Reason is because God blessed me with an ass. I’ve always been between sizes thirty-six and forty and I’m not ashamed of it anymore, I’m just “athletic”.
Friendships are like shoes. I always run into the same problem. I buy the shoes and then bring them home only to have them to collect dust for weeks. I can’t pair them with anything that I have in my current closet and then suddenly I have a night, and an outfit to wear the new shoes with. This will only happen for one night and one night only. The night will end, I’ll put the shoes back into the box, and there they will sit in the closet collecting dust…again.
Friendships are like buying shoes because its like an investment. You wanna wear the shoes every other day, daily even if you can. Not just have them sitting in a box for weeks or months. Sometimes a pair of shoes are just so great that you will come up with any excuse to not let them go. But before you know it, years have past and the time comes to clean out the closet.
In the early part of my twenties I was what my friends used to say “emotional”. When I say friends, I mean a specific four I like to call the Forgetful Four. Forgetful because that’s how I’d like to remember them, forgotten. Between the ages of twenty to now I have spent the better part of my twenties trying to always to be liked by these people and I just simply cannot do it anymore. I had a therapist once tell me that it was good to write things down and to get it all out on paper, so for once I’m taking her advice. I love the four and I hate the four. I’d use the word dislike but its an excuse. The shoes look great! I love these shoes, I can wear them with this outfit! They’re not too small. They’re not too big. Things that I’ve said to myself to keep the shoes around.
One friend dropped off the face of the Earth. She’s not dead but she stopped talking to us because of whatever reason. I think it’s because she couldn’t handle the weight of it all. All of our crazy. She was always wanting to be the life of the party whether it was with weed or drinking. Another friend, I lived with and I fell in love with. They developed a drug addiction and was a compulsive liar. Eventually they got clean. The other one I lived with in the first semester of college and they now live on the other side of the world playing dress up. It pays the bills. Last but not least is the friend who I have invested a lot of my time in. She’s an actress, a good one. She’ll be famous one day. She’s beautiful. She is she. You hate her and you love her, but I will always feel that I will never be good enough for her. I’ve known them for eight years.
I’m not innocent in all of this. I’ve fucked up too. I’ve gossiped, I said terrible things to all of these people. I said that I loved them but I lied. I lied because I wanted to be popular. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be equal with the cool kids of Beverly hills. And now I just have a closet full of shoes that are collecting dust. I wish I could take it all back. All of the drinking, the fights, the things that I said, but i can’t. I wish I didn’t own up to so many things with them, but I did and gave them ammo. Remember when you did this R? Remember when you called me a bitch or an asshole. Remember when you said that you would always love me, but instead you said my secrets. I have ammo too. Remember when I called and you never picked up. Remember when you treated me like the little brother that you never wanted to hang out with. Remember when you said that you loved me, but instead you said my secrets.
They’ll probably read this and they probably won’t. If they do, they’ll say that I’m being dramatic. That I’m being emotional. That I belong in some Nancy Meyers film crying in a shower. Emotional yes… I am emotional because I don’t understand why it has taken me this long to figure it all out. Friendships are like shoes. They look great on, but eventually they will wear out or you’ll never wear them. The truth is this. I want friendships that are going to invest in me for once. Maybe I’ll go through a whole mess of shoes to finally get it, but for now this is what I want.
I want people who will call me and ask what I’m doing? Let’s grab coffee, or a drink. I wanna hang out with you because I’m hungry and want chipotle, and I enjoy our conversations. I want people who see me. Not just my past or what i did, but people who believe in me. Not the gossip or the insults, but they see me. Love me and fight for me because I’ll try to push you away. Don’t give up on me. I don’t know what else to say. I can’t say sorry anymore. I can’t do that anymore. I’m tired, I guess the only thing that I can say is this.
Dear Forgetful Four,
Hi. Goodbye. Love more. Say less. Drink less. Find the good in things. Call each other. Tex each other. Remember how special you are. I did love you. It’s time to go. Remember. Summer in Laguna. Dancing. Laughing in the apartment by Vineland. Cigarette burns. Holding my hand when I was scared at the doctor’s office. Roller coaster rides and ugly faces. Drinking wine. Walking down Melrose. Sitting next to me that first day of class. Taking pictures of each other with bras on our heads. Tripping in front of you and falling down the stairs in the dorm. Being my first roommate. Holding me as I cried in the middle of the street. Goodbye. I need to go. My head hurts. I’m sick. I can’t keep wondering if I’m good enough. I need to do this. I need to see what I’m like without you. It’s time to go. Try to be happy. Take care.
Friendships are like shoes. Try them on first before you purchase them. Walk around in them. Take a few steps and then really think if they are right for you. If not, they’re just there before you clean out the closet.