I’ve always had a problem of self-doubt. I think a lot of people have this problem, but for me its a huge factor that stops me from stepping out in faith with God. Yes, I said it. The “G” word, the God thing…the Christian thing is a huge thing in my life. People wouldn’t have guessed it because of the way I write and talk, but the man upstairs is a big part of my life.
I think the way you talk or look or dress shouldn’t be a factor on if you have a relationship with Jesus because at the end of the day he doesn’t care about your past or what you’ve done. He just cares about you and his love is unconditional. A lot of Christians can’t grasp this, myself especially. It’s a process to be able to walk in freedom everyday, but it all starts with a choice. When I wake up in the morning the first thing that I say to myself is that God loves me. I have to because if not, the Devil will tells me that he doesn’t.
My Devil is depression and immense amount of it. The Devil comes in many shapes and forms. He is the Prince of the Air after all. I don’t wear it on my sleeve but it is a huge factor in the negativity that is always consistently running through my head. I get stressed out and anxious about the dumbest things. It’s exhausting, but I always come back to, “ God loves me”. He does, I know he does, but I still struggle with him wanting to bless me when I’m always thinking that I’m a crap person.
So imagine my disbelief when on a cool crisp LA morning on the bus to work where I heard the voice of God tell me to move to Brooklyn, New York. This is where the doubt part steps in. This is where my depression, The Devil tells me that there is no way you’re going to move to New York. There’s no way you can survive New York. You can barely survive LA, how are you going to be able to handle the beast that is New York City?
I used to think that the main reason that God wanted me to go to New York was because of theater and writing. I have dreams of being a playwright and having my own theater company but that isn’t the case. God wants me there because of the people. People need Jesus, people need to know of the hope that is on the horizon of the greatest love ever and that is Jesus.
Don’t get me wrong, Jesus wants me to be a dreamer and to believe that my dreams will happen, but it’s about getting to work and allowing the doors to be open so I can encounter the people who need him. I’ve encountered people here in LA too but it’s different. There’s always this little thing like a string that keeps pulling my heart in a different direction. Then it happened. I heard God tell me something that I wasn’t ready for. He said this: “Go to Brooklyn and see me.”
Okay, so here’s the thing… cartoons and movies have always wrongly depicted the voice of God. Everyone thinks its like Mufasa in The Lion King but it’s not. It’s different for everyone. When I heard his voice it was quiet and then afterwards there was an incredible amount of peace that flooded me.So I called my parents I told them of what had happened. We prayed together and then I was set on moving…That was four years ago.
A lot of things changed in the four years. New York was always there. The people were always there and so was my self-doubt. I let it get the best of me and for four years I ignored the voice of God and got distracted. A lot of things changed. My relationship with friends changed. My relationship with my church changed too. I started going back to drinking and partying. I just became a very angry person and because of the anger my friends weren’t there anymore. I left church because I didn’t want to listen to people and I wanted to listen to the people who I thought had their best interest in me. I was manipulated and threw everything about myself out the window all because I took the true call of God on my life and hid it with the call of the Devil.
It took me a long time to finally realize that everything that I had gone through in the past four years was all for a reason. It took a lot of tears and a lot of therapy to get me back to where my relationship with God once was. I used to overcomplicate my relationship and now I just simplify it. The truth is this…the relationship was always there. It never went away because Jesus had already made up his mind up about me. I was always his from the very beginning. He knew me before in my mother’s womb, he knew me before he created me. It’s been a journey to fully understand that but I believe it now.
The next part now is the faith part. The actual walking in freedom part. That’s why I start with, “God loves me” every morning. To remind myself, to tell my depression to kiss my ass and not ruin my day. To allow the call of Brooklyn have an impact on me. I say that to myself in the morning so my past does not define me but the love of Jesus does. My identity is in him, my soul is his. Everything that was before doesn’t matter because all that matters is forward. I know whats coming next. I know its something big.
All I have to do is just leap and be willing to be stretched. Jesus will do the rest. That’s what faith is. Not allowing the doubt to creep in. Allowing the faith to happen. I’m going to live my life as if it’s already here. I heard this great message the other night from a pastor at Zoe Church in Hollywood. He said this, “ Faith lives in tension. It is the vehicle to God’s promise.” I’m going to live in the tension. I’m gonna find the faith. I’m going to listen to the promise that God has for me.