The Forgetful Four

choices, Forgiveness, freeform, freewriting, frienships, funny, relationships, storytelling, Uncategorized

Friendships are like buying shoes. You better make sure that you love them before you make your purchase. I have this problem of always seeing a really great pair of shoes and buying them on impulse. If only I was impulsive with making decisions as I was buying shoes I think I’d be a little bit happier. I don’t just do this with shoes, I do this with other items of clothing. Jackets, button ups, t-shirts you name it. Except for jeans and pants. Jeans and pants are the bane of my existence. Reason is because God blessed me with an ass. I’ve always been between sizes thirty-six and forty and I’m not ashamed of it anymore, I’m just “athletic”.

Friendships are like shoes. I always run into the same problem. I buy the shoes and then bring them home only to have them to collect dust for weeks. I can’t pair them with anything that I have in my current closet and then suddenly I have a night, and an outfit to wear the new shoes with. This will only happen for one night and one night only. The night will end, I’ll put the shoes back into the box, and there they will sit in the closet collecting dust…again.

Friendships are like buying shoes because its like an investment. You wanna wear the shoes every other day, daily even if you can. Not just have them sitting in a box for weeks or months. Sometimes a pair of shoes are just so great that you will come up with any excuse to not let them go. But before you know it, years have past and the time comes to clean out the closet.

In the early part of my twenties I was what my friends used to say “emotional”. When I say friends, I mean a specific four I like to call the Forgetful Four. Forgetful because that’s how I’d like to remember them, forgotten. Between the ages of twenty to now I have spent the better part of my twenties trying to always to be liked by these people and I just simply cannot do it anymore. I had a therapist once tell me that it was good to write things down and to get it all out on paper, so for once I’m taking her advice. I love the four and I hate the four. I’d use the word dislike but its an excuse. The shoes look great! I love these shoes, I can wear them with this outfit! They’re not too small. They’re not too big. Things that I’ve said to myself to keep the shoes around.

One friend dropped off the face of the Earth. She’s not dead but she stopped talking to us because of whatever reason. I think it’s because she couldn’t handle the weight of it all. All of our crazy. She was always wanting to be the life of the party whether it was with weed or drinking. Another friend, I lived with and I fell in love with. They developed a drug addiction and was a compulsive liar. Eventually they got clean. The other one I lived with in the first semester of college and they now live on the other side of the world playing dress up. It pays the bills. Last but not least is the friend who I have invested a lot of my time in. She’s an actress, a good one. She’ll be famous one day. She’s beautiful. She is she. You hate her and you love her, but I will always feel that I will never be good enough for her. I’ve known them for eight years.

I’m not innocent in all of this. I’ve fucked up too. I’ve gossiped, I said terrible things to all of these people. I said that I loved them but I lied. I lied because I wanted to be popular. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be equal with the cool kids of Beverly hills. And now I just have a closet full of shoes that are collecting dust. I wish I could take it all back. All of the drinking, the fights, the things that I said, but i can’t. I wish I didn’t own up to so many things with them, but I did and gave them ammo. Remember when you did this R? Remember when you called me a bitch or an asshole. Remember when you said that you would always love me, but instead you said my secrets. I have ammo too. Remember when I called and you never picked up. Remember when you treated me like the little brother that you never wanted to hang out with. Remember when you said that you loved me, but instead you said my secrets.

They’ll probably read this and they probably won’t. If they do, they’ll say that I’m being dramatic. That I’m being emotional. That I belong in some Nancy Meyers film crying in a shower. Emotional yes… I am emotional because I don’t understand why it has taken me this long to figure it all out. Friendships are like shoes. They look great on, but eventually they will wear out or you’ll never wear them. The truth is this. I want friendships that are going to invest in me for once. Maybe I’ll go through a whole mess of shoes to finally get it, but for now this is what I want.

I want people who will call me and ask what I’m doing? Let’s grab coffee, or a drink. I wanna hang out with you because I’m hungry and want chipotle, and I enjoy our conversations. I want people who see me. Not just my past or what i did, but people who believe in me. Not the gossip or the insults, but they see me. Love me and fight for me because I’ll try to push you away. Don’t give up on me. I don’t know what else to say. I can’t say sorry anymore. I can’t do that anymore. I’m tired, I guess the only thing that I can say is this.

Dear Forgetful Four,

Hi. Goodbye. Love more. Say less. Drink less. Find the good in things. Call each other. Tex each other. Remember how special you are. I did love you. It’s time to go. Remember. Summer in Laguna. Dancing. Laughing in the apartment by Vineland. Cigarette burns. Holding my hand when I was scared at the doctor’s office. Roller coaster rides and ugly faces. Drinking wine. Walking down Melrose. Sitting next to me that first day of class. Taking pictures of each other with bras on our heads. Tripping in front of you and falling down the stairs in the dorm. Being my first roommate. Holding me as I cried in the middle of the street. Goodbye. I need to go. My head hurts. I’m sick. I can’t keep wondering if I’m good enough. I need to do this. I need to see what I’m like without you. It’s time to go. Try to be happy. Take care.

-R

Friendships are like shoes. Try them on first before you purchase them. Walk around in them. Take a few steps and then really think if they are right for you. If not, they’re just there before you clean out the closet.

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Story # 2 or “A Letter to Myself”

choices, Christ, Christian, Forgiveness, Grace, lifetrack, relationships, storytelling, understanding

Dear Rafael, 

We have reached the point in your life where we need to start actually getting real. Your Idenity crisis has reach a maximum  where you have no one to turn to except for God. Even though you have a crazy amount of fear rooted in this letter because you must face some truths there will be an endless amount of love at the very end of it because God has intended that for you. With that being said let’s begin shall we? 

For all your life you have been a wandering nomad. A traveling gypsy, a Jonah as we would say. Running away from that fish called fear. And let’s face it….its a pretty big fish. It’s the Christian fish…the number one truth you’re scared to face and that’s because you my friend are becoming a Christian. It’s the truth…you dislike (we use that word because the word hate is no longer in your vocabulary)to admit that your heart is becoming soft and that you hurt for the ones around you. Your mind is becoming like Christ. You have began to tithe and you actually read your bible. You were serving but have taken a back seat because you were wrapping your Idenity in it, but don’t take a back seat for too long. Get back up there when the time is right, you’ll see the joy all over again I promise. You have become honest with the people around yourself but yet you do not become honest with the person that you see in the mirror every morning. 

Let me ask you this. Would be a terrible idea to actually forgive yourself? Would it be a bad idea to forgive the ones who have done you wrong? Would the world stop and end if you actually began to accept the love that God has had for you all these years that you have lived in LA? I ask you these things because you have become comfortable on walking in the eggshells of these questions. To scared to actually dive into the greatness that God has had for you for a long time. No longer doubt that you do not have a relationship with God because the truth is YOU DO! BE STRONG AND COURAGEOUS….he has called you to be! You say to yourself it’s easy to say, but then you ask yourself “How do I begin?” 

Well we begin with the base of love. Yes love, because we love because he first loved us (1 John 4:19). We throw in some grace because for from his fullness we have all received, grace upon grace (John 1:16). We add some hope because endurance produces character and character produces hope (Romans 5:4). And then finally the most important ingredient to a life walking alongside him is faith because for we walk by faith, not by sight (2 Corinthians 5:7). Be strong and courageous Rafael and let go! 

Letting yourself go is hard thing because it allows you accept the things you cannot change but it gives you the ability to lift up your eyes and to see a life full of wonder and endless possibilities. A life filled with laughter and kindness and great memories. I’m not disregarding the fact that yes we have had a struggle for the past 6 years of our life, but we are just people. EVERYONE HAS PROBLEMS! But the difference is that we have been a people who has had Christ inside for a while and we have been denying that change that he has been trying to do for sometime. It’s time that we embrace our dad and accept that it’s okay to be a Christian. It’s okay to love people and to cry with them when they are hurting. It’s okay to think like Christ, and read your bible, and it’s GREAT to tithe! God is bigger than your biggest dreams and your greatest fears. Walk to the north and be the form that God has called you to be. There is a knowing in the stillness of just being quiet don’t be afraid of that stillness. 

A close friend of yours told you the other day that you are not meant to carry your cross all the time (Keep this friend she is wise, caring, and won’t put up with your crap. Because we both know that you can tend to be a bit of an idiot when it comes to friendship but that’s for a whole different letter to yourself). She also said there is a time to pick up your cross and go through but also a time to allow a time to allow God to pick up your cross and allow him to carry it for you. This is the season that you are in. A season of letting go and change. Don’t worry about the other things God will fix it. He will fix the relationships that you have lost and he will provide the people to help you with it. A time to plant is your through line….be planted and don’t run. See what he’s about to do and be content friend. Be encouraged, and I told you so…love will always be in the end. Learn to love and be loved always and forever. 

Sincerely, 

Yourself