The Call

choices, Christ, Christian, freeform, freewriting, Grace, lifetrack, relationships, storytelling, Uncategorized, understanding

472279242

I’ve always had a problem of self-doubt. I think a lot of people have this problem, but for me its a huge factor that stops me from stepping out in faith with God. Yes, I said it. The “G” word, the God thing…the Christian thing is a huge thing in my life. People wouldn’t have guessed it because of the way I write and talk, but the man upstairs is a big part of my life.

I think the way you talk or look or dress shouldn’t be a factor on if you have a relationship with Jesus because at the end of the day he doesn’t care about your past or what you’ve done. He just cares about you and his love is unconditional. A lot of Christians can’t grasp this, myself especially. It’s a process to be able to walk in freedom everyday, but it all starts with a choice. When I wake up in the morning the first thing that I say to myself is that God loves me. I have to because if not, the Devil will tells me that he doesn’t.

My Devil is depression and immense amount of it. The Devil comes in many shapes and forms. He is the Prince of the Air after all. I don’t wear it on my sleeve but it is a huge factor in the negativity that is always consistently running through my head. I get stressed out and anxious about the dumbest things. It’s exhausting, but I always come back to, “ God loves me”. He does, I know he does, but I still struggle with him wanting to bless me when I’m always thinking that I’m a crap person.

So imagine my disbelief when on a cool crisp LA morning on the bus to work where I heard the voice of God tell me to move to Brooklyn, New York. This is where the doubt part steps in. This is where my depression, The Devil tells me that there is no way you’re going to move to New York. There’s no way you can survive New York. You can barely survive LA, how are you going to be able to handle the beast that is New York City?

I used to think that the main reason that God wanted me to go to New York was because of theater and writing. I have dreams of being a playwright and having my own theater company but that isn’t the case. God wants me there because of the people. People need Jesus, people need to know of the hope that is on the horizon of the greatest love ever and that is Jesus.

Don’t get me wrong, Jesus wants me to be a dreamer and to believe that my dreams will happen, but it’s about getting to work and allowing the doors to be open so I can encounter the people who need him. I’ve encountered people here in LA too but it’s different. There’s always this little thing like a string that keeps pulling my heart in a different direction. Then it happened. I heard God tell me something that I wasn’t ready for. He said this: “Go to Brooklyn and see me.”

Okay, so here’s the thing… cartoons and movies have always wrongly depicted the voice of God. Everyone thinks its like Mufasa in The Lion King but it’s not. It’s different for everyone. When I heard his voice it was quiet and then afterwards there was an incredible amount of peace that flooded me.So I called my parents I told them of what had happened. We prayed together and then I was set on moving…That was four years ago.

A lot of things changed in the four years. New York was always there. The people were always there and so was my self-doubt. I let it get the best of me and for four years I ignored the voice of God and got distracted. A lot of things changed. My relationship with friends changed. My relationship with my church changed too. I started going back to drinking and partying. I just became a very angry person and because of the anger my friends weren’t there anymore. I left church because I didn’t want to listen to people and I wanted to listen to the people who I thought had their best interest in me. I was manipulated and threw everything about myself out the window all because I took the true call of God on my life and hid it with the call of the Devil.

It took me a long time to finally realize that everything that I had gone through in the past four years was all for a reason. It took a lot of tears and a lot of therapy to get me back to where my relationship with God once was. I used to overcomplicate my relationship and now I just simplify it. The truth is this…the relationship was always there. It never went away because Jesus had already made up his mind up about me. I was always his from the very beginning. He knew me before in my mother’s womb, he knew me before he created me. It’s been a journey to fully understand that but I believe it now.

The next part now is the faith part. The actual walking in freedom part. That’s why I start with, “God loves me” every morning. To remind myself, to tell my depression to kiss my ass and not ruin my day. To allow the call of Brooklyn have an impact on me. I say that to myself in the morning so my past does not define me but the love of Jesus does. My identity is in him, my soul is his. Everything that was before doesn’t matter because all that matters is forward. I know whats coming next. I know its something big.

All I have to do is just leap and be willing to be stretched. Jesus will do the rest. That’s what faith is. Not allowing the doubt to creep in. Allowing the faith to happen. I’m going to live my life as if it’s already here. I heard this great message the other night from a pastor at Zoe Church in Hollywood. He said this, “ Faith lives in tension. It is the vehicle to God’s promise.” I’m going to live in the tension. I’m gonna find the faith. I’m going to listen to the promise that God has for me.

Advertisements

Tesla’s & Whole Food’s

choices, comedy, freeform, freewriting, frienships, funny, laugh, relationships, silly, storytelling, Uncategorized

whole-foodsA friend of mine recently said that she thought she saw me driving a Tesla and pulling out of Whole Foods. She was very confused by this and then proceeded in messaging me telling me of the whole ordeal. In which I couldn’t help but wonder, “What the fuck?”. Afterwards this happened she then mentioned what would make sense would be this…to see me in a tiny car pulling out of a McDonald’s. I drive a fiat. I like McDonalds, but apparently I’m not good enough for a Tesla and Whole Foods. Little does she know that I actually shop at Whole foods.

My point is this… where did we get to this point…who hurt us? When was it okay to be rude to our friends? I hate it when people say they are kidding. We both know thats bullshit. Anytime someone says that they are kidding…half the time they actually mean it…just kidding.

I’m the master of using this tactic. I’m always using sarcasm to my advantage until it backfires on me when one of my “good friends” tells me what she really thinks. I don’t understand it. On what planet did we get to the point where it was okay to share all of our opinions. Some opinions are very valid, but at the same time some people just shouldn’t say anything. Take me for example… I never really understood that saying, “If you have nothing nice to say then you shouldn’t say anything at all. Well now I do…because half of the time I was always running my mouth and getting myself into trouble.

So as much as I want to bash my friend and tell her how much she should keep her mouth shut….especially since she never calls me or messages me to see how I’m doing….especially since I can’t remember the last time she asked me to go get dinner, and especially since I can’t remember when she said something nice to me. I’m just going to keep my mouth shut and buy me a La Croix and $3 sliced pizza from the 356 store and have myself a nice $10 lunch.

If anything I should thank her for opening my eyes to the pettiness that I embark on a daily basis. So thank you friend who said that I’m too poor…just kidding…I’m over exaggerating…those weren’t her exact words but if there was a big ass weeping willow with a huge shady area she would be sitting under it. And at the same time I’d be right underneath it next to her with my $10 lunch watching all of the Teslas in LA driving by.

The Forgetful Four

choices, Forgiveness, freeform, freewriting, frienships, funny, relationships, storytelling, Uncategorized

Friendships are like buying shoes. You better make sure that you love them before you make your purchase. I have this problem of always seeing a really great pair of shoes and buying them on impulse. If only I was impulsive with making decisions as I was buying shoes I think I’d be a little bit happier. I don’t just do this with shoes, I do this with other items of clothing. Jackets, button ups, t-shirts you name it. Except for jeans and pants. Jeans and pants are the bane of my existence. Reason is because God blessed me with an ass. I’ve always been between sizes thirty-six and forty and I’m not ashamed of it anymore, I’m just “athletic”.

Friendships are like shoes. I always run into the same problem. I buy the shoes and then bring them home only to have them to collect dust for weeks. I can’t pair them with anything that I have in my current closet and then suddenly I have a night, and an outfit to wear the new shoes with. This will only happen for one night and one night only. The night will end, I’ll put the shoes back into the box, and there they will sit in the closet collecting dust…again.

Friendships are like buying shoes because its like an investment. You wanna wear the shoes every other day, daily even if you can. Not just have them sitting in a box for weeks or months. Sometimes a pair of shoes are just so great that you will come up with any excuse to not let them go. But before you know it, years have past and the time comes to clean out the closet.

In the early part of my twenties I was what my friends used to say “emotional”. When I say friends, I mean a specific four I like to call the Forgetful Four. Forgetful because that’s how I’d like to remember them, forgotten. Between the ages of twenty to now I have spent the better part of my twenties trying to always to be liked by these people and I just simply cannot do it anymore. I had a therapist once tell me that it was good to write things down and to get it all out on paper, so for once I’m taking her advice. I love the four and I hate the four. I’d use the word dislike but its an excuse. The shoes look great! I love these shoes, I can wear them with this outfit! They’re not too small. They’re not too big. Things that I’ve said to myself to keep the shoes around.

One friend dropped off the face of the Earth. She’s not dead but she stopped talking to us because of whatever reason. I think it’s because she couldn’t handle the weight of it all. All of our crazy. She was always wanting to be the life of the party whether it was with weed or drinking. Another friend, I lived with and I fell in love with. They developed a drug addiction and was a compulsive liar. Eventually they got clean. The other one I lived with in the first semester of college and they now live on the other side of the world playing dress up. It pays the bills. Last but not least is the friend who I have invested a lot of my time in. She’s an actress, a good one. She’ll be famous one day. She’s beautiful. She is she. You hate her and you love her, but I will always feel that I will never be good enough for her. I’ve known them for eight years.

I’m not innocent in all of this. I’ve fucked up too. I’ve gossiped, I said terrible things to all of these people. I said that I loved them but I lied. I lied because I wanted to be popular. I wanted to be liked. I wanted to be equal with the cool kids of Beverly hills. And now I just have a closet full of shoes that are collecting dust. I wish I could take it all back. All of the drinking, the fights, the things that I said, but i can’t. I wish I didn’t own up to so many things with them, but I did and gave them ammo. Remember when you did this R? Remember when you called me a bitch or an asshole. Remember when you said that you would always love me, but instead you said my secrets. I have ammo too. Remember when I called and you never picked up. Remember when you treated me like the little brother that you never wanted to hang out with. Remember when you said that you loved me, but instead you said my secrets.

They’ll probably read this and they probably won’t. If they do, they’ll say that I’m being dramatic. That I’m being emotional. That I belong in some Nancy Meyers film crying in a shower. Emotional yes… I am emotional because I don’t understand why it has taken me this long to figure it all out. Friendships are like shoes. They look great on, but eventually they will wear out or you’ll never wear them. The truth is this. I want friendships that are going to invest in me for once. Maybe I’ll go through a whole mess of shoes to finally get it, but for now this is what I want.

I want people who will call me and ask what I’m doing? Let’s grab coffee, or a drink. I wanna hang out with you because I’m hungry and want chipotle, and I enjoy our conversations. I want people who see me. Not just my past or what i did, but people who believe in me. Not the gossip or the insults, but they see me. Love me and fight for me because I’ll try to push you away. Don’t give up on me. I don’t know what else to say. I can’t say sorry anymore. I can’t do that anymore. I’m tired, I guess the only thing that I can say is this.

Dear Forgetful Four,

Hi. Goodbye. Love more. Say less. Drink less. Find the good in things. Call each other. Tex each other. Remember how special you are. I did love you. It’s time to go. Remember. Summer in Laguna. Dancing. Laughing in the apartment by Vineland. Cigarette burns. Holding my hand when I was scared at the doctor’s office. Roller coaster rides and ugly faces. Drinking wine. Walking down Melrose. Sitting next to me that first day of class. Taking pictures of each other with bras on our heads. Tripping in front of you and falling down the stairs in the dorm. Being my first roommate. Holding me as I cried in the middle of the street. Goodbye. I need to go. My head hurts. I’m sick. I can’t keep wondering if I’m good enough. I need to do this. I need to see what I’m like without you. It’s time to go. Try to be happy. Take care.

-R

Friendships are like shoes. Try them on first before you purchase them. Walk around in them. Take a few steps and then really think if they are right for you. If not, they’re just there before you clean out the closet.